What to do when fear keeps you from having a baby?
Are you afraid to have a baby? Do you deal with the fear of pregnancy or delivery? Overcoming your fear of childbirth starts with recognizing what it is. Fear related to childbirth is very common. About 80 percent of women experience some type of worry, concern, or anxiety related to pregnancy and childbirth. If the worry is so much that you avoid becoming pregnant based on this fear, it is a condition called tokophobia. About 13 % of women experience tokophobia. There are two types. Primary tokophobia is when you haven’t experienced pregnancy or birth, but have a fear. Secondary tokophobia is when you’ve had a traumatic experience, including pregnancy, loss, or birth that leads you to have fear.
Symptoms of tokophobia
- Excessive anxiety/fear related to childbirth
- Extreme anxiety when having a vaginal birth
- Requests a cesarean to avoid vaginal birth
- Symptoms last longer than 6 months & affects daily activities
My Fear of Childbirth?
I was afraid of childbirth from the time I was very young. As I got older this fear did not disappear. From the horror stories I’d heard, plus my fear of hospitals, having a baby seemed out of the question for me. Although I wanted to have a family, it was something I said I’d never do because of my fear.
Once I was married, talk of a baby was a normal topic, but I seriously didn’t want to give birth. As time went on, I toyed with the idea of a baby, but I couldn’t get past the idea of pain or something going terribly wrong.
It wasn’t until I was hit with baby fever that I even considered it because with my fear I was certain I’d never go through with it. Once baby fever hit, it took me about a year to consider having a baby. It was an emotional struggle. On one hand, I wanted to start a family with my husband. On the other hand, the fear was real, and going through childbirth was not on my list of things to do.
After two years of marriage, I became pregnant. However, even once I was pregnant, my fear did not simply go away. I did a few things to cope with/overcome my fear of childbirth.
Here’s What I Did to Overcome Childbirth Fear
1. Avoid all shows, movies, and YouTube videos about delivery and birth stories. This helped a lot. I didn’t want to hear or watch anything that could worsen my fear from the time I became pregnant up until the time I gave birth. I already had a very negative vision of childbirth.
2. Stay positive even when it feels impossible. It is okay to be afraid of the unknown, but challenge yourself to think positively. I got through this fear by trying to be positive and praying about it. Here is a great prayer for a safe pregnancy and healthy baby by Connect Us Fund.
“Dear Father, I praise you because You are the giver of life, Your Word says; “You created all things through Jesus Christ” and “You made all things good and perfect”. It is through Your grace and mercy that I/(person’s name) have/has conceived by Your grace. I pray for your protection from all harm and I am confident that You shall give Your angels charge over us/them. So Father, in Your Name alone I plead the blood of Jesus and speak a healthy pregnancy and safe delivery, Amen.”
3. Don’t worry until you need to worry. I told myself that there was no need to worry about pain, delivery, or anything else while it was so far away. I didn’t allow myself to overthink or worry about childbirth during my pregnancy until childbirth was near. Take it day by day and try not to think too much about the future. It wasn’t until I was nearing my 8th month that it became harder to ignore my anxiety and worry.
4. Do things that make you happy. This will deflect your fear by keeping your mind busy and in a happier place. I made myself busy by buying newborn essentials, packing my hospital bag, and getting the baby’s nursery ready. I also had a good time binge-watching romantic comedies. Try to avoid sad or depressing movies. Being sad or upset can trigger negative thoughts about your childbirth.
5. Have support. Having a supportive husband, parent, sibling, or friend that you can talk to when your anxieties get overwhelming. This helped a lot toward the end when it was harder not to worry. Having someone who can encourage you is so important!
6. Realizing some things are out of our control. Take action with the things you’re in control of. This includes not stressing too much, eating healthy, eating enough, taking your prenatal vitamins, and relaxing when necessary.
7. Get strength from your baby. Once you’re pregnant your maternal instincts kick in. You will feel the need to make sure your baby is safe and happy. It will help to tell yourself to be strong for your little one. And once that baby is here it will be worth it.
If you have tokophobia or severe fear that is stopping you from your dream of a family, I recommend seeing a therapist to help you work through this fear. These tips worked for me, but may not work for everyone.
Click here to visit Lamaze for more tips to overcome your fear of childbirth. This includes hiring a doula and using relaxation methods.
Mariham
October 21, 2021 at 9:27 amI can relate to this so much. I think its a topic thats not discussed as much as it should. Great post
Always lovin' Mama
October 22, 2021 at 8:18 amI think so too. Thanks!
Martina
October 21, 2021 at 9:57 amI have a cousin who’s about to give birth and it’s giving her a lot of stress and anxiety. I can’t wait to show her this blog. Thank you so much for this x
Always lovin' Mama
October 22, 2021 at 8:25 amThanks, I am glad it could help!
Laura
October 21, 2021 at 10:51 amI had never heard of tokophobia before. Though now that you bring it up it makes sense! These are great tips❤
Always lovin' Mama
October 22, 2021 at 8:25 amThanks!
Evie
October 21, 2021 at 11:33 amThank you for sharing your journey. Such great advice. I exapecially love don’t worry until you need to worry. Pregnancy is filled with so much change and new experiences that it is so easy to worry about everything, but just because it is different or new doesn’t mean anything is going wrong.
Always lovin' Mama
October 22, 2021 at 8:26 amSo true! That helped me a lot. Thanks for reading!
Natalie
October 25, 2021 at 9:38 amI had tokophobia before the birth of my first child. I’d read up so much about how painful childbirth can be and truthfully, this information wasn’t wrong.
However, a year after my daughter was born I started itching for another baby. The love I had developed for my child was so intense that I wanted another, pain or not.
I know it’s not this way for everyone, but what I can say is that it is totally worth the pain.
Also, not everyone experiences crushing pain. If you are lucky too, you will experience precipitate labor and the whole thing will be Iver In a jiffy!
Always lovin' Mama
October 25, 2021 at 11:30 pmThat is so good to hear! I am glad you shared your story.
Kelly
October 21, 2021 at 2:55 pmSuch a helpful list. I’ll be avoiding shows and movies about delivery when I’m pregnant. We’re years off from having kids, but even watching shows now featuring childbirth freaks me out!
Always lovin' Mama
October 22, 2021 at 8:28 amYes, it was like that for me too. Thanks!
Kaybee Lives
October 21, 2021 at 4:39 pmThank you for sharing your journey with us. These are definitely topics that I have some worry and anxiety about, but I am not currently in a place to have kids, so I have not yet dealt with them. I appreciate your openness and perspective.
Always lovin' Mama
October 22, 2021 at 8:27 amYou’re welcome! Thanks for reading!
Krysten Quiles
October 21, 2021 at 6:47 pmI don’t plan on having kids, and fear of childbirth is one of the reasons! This is helpful though, I’ll pin for my readers that do want children.
Always lovin' Mama
October 22, 2021 at 8:29 amYes, it can be a major deciding factor. Thanks!
Helena
October 21, 2021 at 7:46 pmI don’t personally have a fear of childbirth, but I think the topic is important to lift as it is a valid fear. And childbirth and pregnancy isn’t a dance on roses, far from it.
So good on you for going through with it even if you were scared.
Chrissy
October 21, 2021 at 7:56 pmSorry you were scared! I was not really worried about child birth; I knew I would have a planned C-section due to being of advanced maternal age (and I knew I would get a spinal and good pain meds). The only time when I worried was when I had an emergency C-section and my kid was only 3 lbs and a preemie with IUGR! But even then, I felt very well cared for by the hospital and had more trust in the doctors and nurses than in my abilities to care for my child at home at first. I was more worried about being a great mom than having pain, I guess.
petwearhoodies
October 22, 2021 at 7:11 amIf only. That’s fabulous.
Always lovin' Mama
October 22, 2021 at 8:19 amThx!
chefsclosets
October 26, 2021 at 2:06 amHuge hugs for you both ❤️
Always lovin' Mama
October 27, 2021 at 8:03 amthanks
Vi-Zanne
March 18, 2022 at 1:34 pmThanks for sharing this! I can totally relate. On those days leading up to my labor, I was very nervous, but thankfully I had a lot of support from my family and husband.
Always lovin' Mama
March 20, 2022 at 11:12 amSupport means everything!